to get back where I belong

portrait of a dancer

drawing is not mine either

so I have to take care of it. 

there is almost no sentence or no post on this blog without the fucking I

and almost no thought

such a good lesson.

after kyolche

I
me
mine

I realized recently that I know this kind of experience - I have this every time everything is falling apart, but just for a moment - in the moment, in now- it doesn't matter if something is falling apart, because in that moment it doesn't exist. I don't know how to explain. in the moment nothing exists but rain or a sound or something like that

for years I thought this experience was some kind of denial but actually it's probably the opposite, the thing I've been searching for 

please don't believe anything I think

matki, babcie i prababcie, ale i ojciec sie załapal ostatnio,

I można tak bez końca [...]. Ale mniejsza z karmą i uwikłaniami do siódmego wstecz, bo później jest legenda i mroczne knieje niepamięci (ustaw Adama i Ewę i niech ten obraz pracuje [...] 

(j)

exactly

how did your face look like before your parents were born?
before people were born

I see a fucking dinosaur's face.
but what about the time before that

how absurd is that.

it takes so much time and effort to construct all these stories/ systems/ models/theories
and then in one moment it just looks like hundreds of tiny excuses.

who could give up so the I would be given up?

the TCM doctor said I should scream a lot and go to the open spaces like lake side or a mountain top.

exchanging the small Forest with this, once a week.

I met her and Cho in Bologna.
they even saw my book.

why am I in New Jersey ?!

I haven't found my own tools so I'm back to zen.

on some level it's always a surprise
[judith] 

this is really happening.
I AM a picture book maker.

and all these meetings with publishers are so amazing - in December he invited me to a chocolaterie with soy milk chocolate and today this woman invited me to her beautiful house and prepared karigane tea for me.
how perfect it is. 

the more frustrated, the more brave.

there were amazing Medieval paintings in London which shocked me (green and gold)
and of course traveling is always great because it is actually the same as living like a nomad

in Hyde Park a squirell climbed my leg like a tree - these are my animal adventures in different countries.

(for example: in Japan a hawk swooped and took a piece of bread from my hand at a beach)

vulnicura

Locate her black lake
the steam from this pit
will form a cloud 
For her to live on

literally illustrated in my dark book.