frozen moss today in the woods

after all this silence
roar of the imprisoned Elephant heard from the top.
(for real)

this is like touching the sun, too powerful, I could have been torned into pieces, so I was walking around, close to it, for 26 or 260 years.
this month I've almost touched it and I didn't get burned.

it's interesting to be guided by something which is not a feeling nor thought. 

good winter

the second book is out there,
and the transparent woman held my hands for few seconds.

next month - the winter city - looking for the story about language
(some of the books are seasonal, so I have to hurry)

zen

for the first time in two years I see how useful this practice is.
this bowing/chanting/sitting.

this is exactly what I expected from it.

empty your cup, like leo said.

new mantra: trust the next step.

przełęcz boczań

there are a lot of persons (not only people) on the lower levels:

the shaman
(who finally performed the frog's funeral and who listens to all the dead people)
the little blonde girl with her machete
(who wanted to kill the priest named Almond, but then when he was seen for real recently at the miner's funeral, he seemed so small and weak so she didn't)
the monkey who sometimes sits on the left shoulder of myself
(who likes the lake)
the dragon
(on the cliff, protecting [whom?] from the muddy Miyazaki's creatures)
someone's sister-brother-mother-wife
(in connection with their brother-lover-husband-teacher-pony)
the old woman sitting on a cushion
(who doesn't believe in stories but she's the one who decides)

itd.,

są też niższe poziomy ale trudno tam coś ponazywać, bo to są te z twarzami dinozaurów.

wczoraj zapadałam się w śniegu po pas na tym odsłoniętym odcinku na Halę Gąsienicową i niemal słyszałam jak DSSN zadowolony z siebie szepcze mi do ucha: watch your step!

this 'dangerous'  part unparalised me.
of course we can make more stories about the 'future' and wait until we are 'ready' or dead, but it's like watching a movie. I think I'm done with preparations because it just seems like an excuse from seeing that "Future" and "Fear" starts from the same letter.

writing this is obviously a Story&Meaning-making, but it's also kind of training, for one of the new books, the one about the Airport.
one cannot make a book without building a narrative, but has to be careful not to believe in it too much.

this world is really more interesting than all this thin (fat?) kings, the dogs named Emilia, Emalia & Emulsja really existed at the Airport.

don't prepare

I don't know how I got so many words again.
I wrote about 10 letters in 3 days but I don't know how many of them have been read.

for many years this person thought that intentions were important (for what?),
but deeply inside was afraid it was bullshit.
but the truth is the more stupid things you've done the more you understand other people.

i'm watching everything now.
why is it all so beautiful?
(7:54)

if sitting in silence for a week with strangers makes such a connection,

what if we sit with the ones we love?

wersja robocza

there was a snow flurry in the attic and Monday morning when I woke up I found some real snow on the roof.

at 5:30 I went to chant the morning bell with two other girls, three of us in grey robes.
kind of  le guin's aesthetics, isn't it?

I took a closer look at my part of the myth to see if there was anything left.
but what is 'really' happening is always more interesting.

other things seem more clear now as well,

during the last three years I spent a lot of time in the forest
with a decision to push away all the distractions and all the blankets
(even the small ones, all the songs and movies and stories and pills and psychotherapy, etc.), so most of the time I was left alone with the demons and the mould on my walls.
and food.

but then one day I saw real deers sleeping between the trees
and I literary buried the demon's mask at night.
(it didn't help then but I was desperate)

and later,every day after the morning practice I collected nettles at the lake
and one day I saw a dying bird.

maybe it works the same as all the retreats,
you see how useful it is only after you leave the Dharma room.
so now in the middle of the storm I could see how strong is my center, how sane I am.

I didn't run away from the first Kyolche only because I knew there was nothing outside that would help me.

biedny Żal,
biedny Lęk.

polaroid taken in the future
overexposed possibility

as you can see, the real Mountain polaroid is usually underexposed.
I still have two sx-70 films in my fridge.

this girl
her instagram info: I am in reality now. 

it's obvious - this no-borders perspective - we pretend we don't know this
but we know

you already understand

we abide nowhere, we possess nothing
[chatral sangye dorje]