fever

i don't know anything about inner animals.
i wish i could, it would be easier.
gorączka wciąż i wciąż, nie możesz spać ani siedzieć ani myśleć, tylko kiwać się kiwać.
a umysł jest częścią ciała, teraz to wiem, gdy powoli wariuję, a może nie powoli, tylko już parę dni temu do tego doszlo.
myslę, że nie wyzdrowieję juz.

i smarkam sobie skrzepami krwi i nie mam sily zjesc calego kiwi.

07:36

jurgen poszedł i gdzieś w głębi pokoju ssie reklmówkę.

07:22

uszy bolą sezonowo, robi się jasno, patrzę na gołębie za oknem, wyglądają, jakby spadały.
jurgen tez nie śpi, przyszedł tu i ssie mi bluzę.
fucking karma will eat u until u understand.

poniedziałek, 7 rano

śniło mu się, że byliśmy x-manami.
śniło jej się, że byłyśmy wróżkami.

(i latałyśmy pod rękę jak bączki)

deconstruction is sexy

wczoraj w naszej kuchni piecyk, balkon i tessa robili trole z plasteliny do filmu jokera.
a ja zostawiam wszystko tak jak jest, tak jak to zastałam.

no deconstruction at all.

mango metaphor

And Thor said,
"I'm gonna kill them all
With my hammer,
Like I killed the giants."
And Zeus said, "No,
You better let me
Use my lightening, like scissors,
Like I cut the legs off the whales

ziggy's dead.

i wrote so many painful messages today and got some as well, then i talked with j about interpretations, that we need them to make a decision and then we can throw them away.
this whole psychic shit is just a dramatic effort to balance this fucking pain.
our brains are sad but they are only thin-king jelly.

we can all be free

actually i thought there was could not can. i don't really feel this can.

Yitzhak story

Rain falls hard
Burns dry
A dream
Or a song
That hits you so hard
Filling you up
And suddenly gone

Breathe feel love
Give free
Know in your soul
Like your blood knows the way
From your heart to your brain
Knows that you're whole

this horrible dream about having worms inside my body

the less schematic your decisions, the more u pay, but i take this.
someone is going to check the fish underneath

yesterday this Indian guy told me: 'you can do everything, whatever you want'. this fresh feeling. 'and i do", i told him.

fish

winter is coming.
last winter was strong.
is it always strong?


ready for it.

back to japanese aesthetics again.
always not enough.
one day we'll learn to love it, you'll see.



like a sleepy ice can crack/
but trying to trust it
and
there r fish underneath anyway

frytki i panda.

'you both are going to play some music and i'm going to cook for you.'

of course you could find strange guys doing strange things in the mountains, or you can do it yourself, everybody must have a fantasy.

i have red hot ball in my throat, but it's not Mu, i can't spit it out, but i can run and touch the cold ground.

here

i left her house at 7:35 and went to see the river.
i began to count my breath and lost the sound for few seconds/

then she came and when we were eating breakfast on the platform, this kanoe guy said something.


7:58 are you sure where my spark is

now i know why i prefer online writing, it doesn't leave real traces, leaves no objects like paper or notebooks, minimalism is kept.

i don't have to be a girl all the time, only when i want to.

i remember what he said, that princess must be denoted, not found.
and we did it.

xxy

why running? why water?
it's real.
freedom training.

looking for direct contact, because i have to find a bit of identity to loose it.

a jesli nie ma czego wybierać?

river

i don't know who was watching the waves today.
i lost the contact.
i want my body back,

but the pig stories are perfect.

there is no calcium in my life

i bought pink trousers for more vitamine c
and drew some monsters

i wish i could write all these things in chinese/
or draw it

collecting experiences like objects~
Araki's cat/
Philo Project/
the second prison day/

& all these pig moments.

i'm trying to quit obsessive thinking, so I bought some colorful clothes.
it was hard to admit that my black times were not a sign of getting better.

pink curtain in the kitchen was the first, i guess.
and the orchid.

when i enter the door, first i hear the cat power voice,
then i say hello to cats
and then i see Her.

and everything starts.

właściwe rzeczy

and she sang it for me.
i left myself and watched it from outside, i couldn't say what happend to me then.
it was the right experience.


nanuq told me few words and i swallowed all of them.
i'm going to learn how to look.

and we're both looking for this special connection between brain and fingers/

today morning/ after waking up/ i saw us as an illustration/
Her - with this blue manga style hair
and me - thin arms and half-shaved head.

it was light again.
i couldn't leave the bed-world/

i want everything from Her.

soko

please, can you make some beautiful babies?

we can't.

and him, being a bleach blond girl.

NH

dramatic Lemur

HETEROSEXUALITY QUESTIONNAIRE

(Attributed to Martin Rochlin, PhD, January 1977)


1. What do you think has caused you to be heterosexual?

2. When and how did you first decide you were a heterosexual?

3. Is it possible your heterosexuality stems from a neurotic fear of people of the same sex?

4. If you've never slept with a person of the same sex, how do you know you wouldn't prefer it?

5. Isn't it possible your heterosexuality is just a phase you may grow out of?

6. Isn't it possible that all you need is a good gay lover?

7. If heterosexuality is normal, why are a disproportionate number of mental patients heterosexual?

8. To whom have you disclosed your heterosexual tendencies? How did they react?

9. Why do heterosexuals place so much emphasis on sex? Why are they so promiscuous?

10. Do heterosexuals hate and/or distrust others of their own sex? Is that what makes them heterosexual?

11. If you were to have children, would you want them to be heterosexual knowing the problems they'd face?

12. Your heterosexuality doesn't offend me as long as you don't try to force it on me. Why do you feel compelled to seduce others into your sexual orientation?

13. The great majority of child molesters are heterosexuals. Do you really consider it safe to expose your children to heterosexual teachers?

14. Why do you insist on being so obvious, and making a public spectacle of your heterosexuality? Can't you just be who you are and keep it quiet?

15. How can you ever hope to become a whole person if you limit yourself to a compulsive, exclusively heterosexual lifestyle, and remain unwilling to explore and develop your homosexual potential?

16. Heterosexuals are noted for assigning themselves and each other to narrowly restricted, stereotyped sex-roles. Why do you cling to such unhealthy role playing?

17. Even with all the societal support marriage receives, the divorce rate is spiralling. Why are there so few stable relationships among heterosexuals?

18. How could the human race survive if everyone were heterosexual like you, considering the menace of overpopulation?

19. There seem to be very few happy heterosexuals. Techniques have been developed that could help you change if you really wanted to. Have you considered trying psychotherapy or even aversion therapy?

21. Could you really trust a heterosexual therapist/counsellor to be objective and unbiased? Don't you fear he/she might be inclined to influence you in the direction of his/her own preferences?

22. How can you enjoy a full, satisfying sexual experience or deep emotional rapport with a person of the opposite sex when the differences are so vast? How can a man understand what pleases a woman, or vice-versa?

looking for wilderness~

(photo by The Wild Pig herself)

i'm in love.

uma - obsession

today I chose colours and found nothing colorful to wear.
water was so still. I felt the heart.

we spent 3 days in bed, eating strawberries, reading lesbian books and her mother brought us a vegan chocolate cake.

death

flow

see and feel but don't hear.

I shaved my head again.

getin

dopóki nie poszłam biegać, jeszcze miałam wątpliwości.

and in the morning i got 'tiny photographs of melancholy' from Paul Paper.

prison

this korean minimalism hit me yesterday.
i was laying on her bed for a half an hour.
grey coat / white shirt / wires and snow.


this fight will never end,
i have to decide every day,
there is nothing between.


and today we went there, to the end of the road
something happen inside.

i've met a girl.

there is nothing fake to build.
i don't have to put myself anywhere, i'm just in the right place.

the system is overloaded.
i can't even see water, when i'm at the river.

the thing between my ears, just behind the nose.


dogs are eating the wolves now,
the river is not enough.

the triangle is broken, someone was watching me all night from the photo.
i have to go to the mountains, too many City stories for one month.
the forest is always there, unchanged.

this thrill.
this new experience.
taking the weight down.

journey

this white room filled with sunlight and lilu's pink dress
one katharsis after another
antony

and Her.

i'm going far away.
let's see what happens.

i want to know what's going on in my head.

we can draw a diagram of our connections.

i came and made a lot of mess.
i just let go and didn't know there would be a moment, when I began to hurt someone.
it's always like this, but i think this time we all can handle it.

queer animal triangle story

I went running and it seems that I get one katharsis after another, lately.
you can't change the genes. my family is waking up in me.

names

they call it 'emilism', but i just don't want to break anyone's borders.
i don't need to name things now, just let them happen.

when elephants weep

i read about other species last night, it's like finding something missing.

yoda's teaching

i've been training for a long time, so now i may let (this animal) go.

let go let go
no more drama and tragedy, please


and she played it again, the crocodile song.

it's all about aesthetics - collecting these little treasures like star-shaped beads.

polar bear gave me Polar Bear music
[marching song]
no need for fluoxetine at all

i'm ready for new animal stories, nothing can spoil my AT field. I knew it when the girl played the crocodile song with her accordion a month ago.

possible worlds

last night I had a dream about many tattoos on my skin.
I'm going to get it, you know, leave no place for dragons, choose the actual world, or something, wrest the roots.
the connection is left unharmed.
strong winter is over.

rozmowa z manią

- mam nowego bloga, ale będzie znów niezrozumiały
-bo ty piszesz tajemnicami :D

italy

i'm leaving the myths behind, but the connection is kept.

finally by myself, relieved.


and there is another lesson/ how not to want for myself.
the pirates have come.

wanderlust, horse & I, cold cold water
and other escaping sounds.
women's voices.

stuck in the City, my entrails want to fly away.
nothing is going to threaten me now.

no mirrors to build a fake reflection.


i miss pictures hidden under the maps.

other animals are not afraid of feeling.

let go let go/

słucham fennesza. przeczyszcza mi cos w środku.
piaskowanie.

I chose violet yesterday, the demons are far away now.

i need this airport feeling
/ metal wind and noise of the engines/
mono-no-aware mixed with few childhood memories.
city birds and city desert
inorganic wildness/

always overexposed.

everynight bliss.

geniuszki techniki rozkręciły i naprawiły pralkę.

'every time we fuck we win'

everyday pathology

russian people make the best one
but i can find some here, too.

there is a white-colour fight.